Dear Mama T.

Mommy,

You left me one year ago. Since then, your smell has faded from the clothes you used to wear, the kitchen has been reorganized so it actually makes sense, your family has regained it’s footing, and maybe the pain has even faded a little bit.

I still love you as much as ever. I dont always understand where you went and I think I still have whiplash from the past three years, like I cant believe all that really happened. And I almost feel like I am wishing for an imaginary friend, someone I love very much but cant remember knowing. I literally feel like you’re a distant memory, a beautiful dream, somebody that I used to know. And maybe Dad was right, our hearts need to move on. Its impossible to live life while looking back on that far away memory and when my heart is ready, it will let you go. But Mama, do not be fooled, it still stings. I remember how much I loved that distant memory, how much I miss that beautiful dream.

And then sometimes, I’ll hear wind-chimes, or a morning dove, and time will transport me back, to the days when I was yours and you were mine. And I’ll stop and smile. I’ll stop and see your smile, hear your laugh. I’ll remember that at one point, you were my mother.

On this anniversary, I just want to tell you I love you. I just want to shout out to the heavens and then quietly pray you heard me. I will always wonder if you miss me, but like I told you, Mama T, love never dies. Just know, wherever you are, I’m missing you.

      To the moon and back.

 

Get What You Want.

I know it’s been a long while since I have written anything. But I haven’t really had anything to write about, hence the silence.

Today I went into town with my dad and he really wanted coffee. Side note, for the first time in my life, I didn’t want any! Anyway, he said, “I just really have my heart set on a cup of coffee.” And that sent me off on a little thinking tangent. As humans, we generally want to get what our heart wants. Not that we always get it, I can heavily testify to that, but that we want to satisfy our heart’s longings (even if it is something as simple as a cup of coffee). I find the heart rather annoying. Because, I can normally control what I think about rather well. But my heart kind of has a mind of it’s own. And as much as I would like to say I have forgotten some of the hurt in my past, I don’t think my heart really has. For example, I can go not thinking of someone that hurt me for years, and then I see them or hear from them and my heart feels the same as it did back when I was hurt. And I don’t really understand that. Sometimes I hate that my heart and my brain do not communicate. Like, it is so hard to stop loving someone or something, even if you know you should. Its so hard for my brain to understand God, even though my heart feels Him all over the place. Its so hard to change how I feel about things. I find my heart always trumps my head.  Maybe it’s because most of the time I am a passionate, emotional wreck. Or maybe because life isn’t any fun if your head rules. So there’s something to think about.

Christmas has come and GONE. Which I feel generally glad about, seeing as it was the first Christmas without my mom (thats her on the left, me in the middle, and her best friend on the right). My brothers, dad, and I set up the tree, something my mom and I have done together for many years. And she loved tacky ornaments, so we had a few good laughs and some of the awful yet amazing things she had gotten over the years. One in particular, a terrible sparkly fish with big lips and one of those fruit hats on, that one got me. Like I said before, the heart is a silly thing. What is it about a fish that made me feel my mom? I do not know. Its a funny thing. But, we now get to say happy new year! Finally, a new year. Here’s to hoping 2012 is a little better than 2011. And here’s to hoping 2012 isn’t the end of the world.

shine on.

(thats not me btws)

signing out.

Name Day.

Today my good friend Maya Lomax, who I explain to people as my Swedish mother, informed me that today in the Swedish calendar is my “name day”. I am very excited because I happened to be visiting their family one weekend when it was her son Colin’s name day, and as we looked to see if there was one for me, I was disappointed to find there was no day for the name Lexi. But guess what, my Swedish mother is much smarter than I am and I received a call today saying that today was the day for Alexis. So I am very pleased. I can not exactly put my finger on why I am so excited, but today is the day reserved for all those out there with the name Alexis, so all Alexi, happy name day!

I had to ride the trolley today because it was raining. And you see, I normally walk between campuses because mostly it’s very enjoyable and not terribly long. But because of the rain, the trolley it was. I don’t exactly enjoy being cold and wet. For some reason the trolley makes me kind of sad. Probably mostly its because for about 5 minutes I am required to sit quietly and forced to just think. And for some reason I started thinking about the fact that the girls that live next door to me had just watched Peter Pan. That movie holds a special place to me, because it basically stands for adolescence, and because for all of my brother’s childhood, he believed completely that he was Peter Pan, but thats another story. When I was younger, I never wanted to be Peter Pan, I wanted to grow up so I could be one of the princesses, that is a noble thing for a little girl to be. At this time and place though I have to believe that Peter Pan was a genius. I mean, its fun and all to be grown up, but man…to be a kid forever? At least be sixteen, where for me, the world was just starting to open up and I still believed that I could be anything I wanted. And I know its only been two and half years, but so much has changed. I sometimes wonder what happened to me in that short time. And I think I just grew up, what a terrible thing. Suddenly I’m afraid of messing up or doing the wrong thing. And the thought of picking a major scares the crap out of me. I would have to declare what I want to do. And I wish it could be as easy as it was when I was in 3rd grade when all I wanted was to be a whale trainer at sea world.

And then I saw this picture on Pintrest. And it basically felt like a punch in the stomach.

It’s so true! Why am I paralyzed at the thought of deciding who I want to be? I don’t know if it’s exactly something I have an answer to at this point. But in a weird sense, I would kind of like to ask my eight year old self what I should do. What would that person want out of her life? Because somewhere in those ten years, I lost it. I lost the essence of having a youthful fire burning forever. And that Lexi didn’t have the big looming questions facing her every morning. That Lexi didn’t understand that eventually she would have to actually make something out of herself, she just wanted to be a princess. So maybe I should just marry rich. Marry a prince so I can make that eight year old Lexi happy. This eighteen year old Lexi just wants to live in a tree forever. Fall in love and live in a tree. Maybe not literally, but possibly figuratively. I guess life is just about making it work. It will be different for everyone, and I guess you can’t always be the eight year old version of yourself. But man, I honestly feel like I would be happy just…living. You know? Maybe without a grand purpose, but just to be alive for your whole life. So I guess all I can do for now is live. And for now, thats okay with me. But I can still be a little jealous of Peter Pan.

signing out.

Words I Never Thought I’d Say.

I want to go home.

Yep. I said it. And I can’t believe it. I never thought Alexis Thorup would utter the words, but alas, I do. I want my own room(though I do love my roomie). I want to sleep in my bed. I want to be with the friends I have known forever. I want to be with my family. I want to see my dog Finn. I want to take everything I have learned and gained this semester with me. I want a fire and Harry Potter. I want cold weather. I actually want to go home.

I have three more days, four finals, and then I am done. Then my dad and I are going to spend the day in Disneyland. Then I get to take the six hour trek back home. Then I get to hug Finn(excuse me for my excessive excitement about my dog, you don’t understand our relationship). Phew, what a semester it has been! I have been blessed to have fairly easy classes my first semester, and sometimes I find myself feeling a little guilty for the stress of everyone around me while I feel very little. But I’ll be feeling the heat in the spring, so I will just consider myself lucky for now.

I love this school and the people and the classes and mostly everything. Except the food. Not too thrilled about the food, but eh, I live(never have I appreciated a kitchen so much in my life). Thank God for APU and everything He is doing here. I am reaping the benefits. Through the joy and tears and laughter and fighting, everything is more exciting if we choose to remember life is a wonderful adventure.

signing out.

When In Doubt, HP It Out.

I have to tell you, I love Harry Potter. I went online to vote for the People’s Choice Awards, and one of the sections was “Best Book Adaption” or something like that. And of course Harry Potter was on it. And then there was another one that was like, “Favorite Ensemble Movie Cast”. And in my completely unbiased opinion, DUH. I mean lets get real. okay, thats done.

But I also want to tell you, that I find funny Harry Potter blogs (like The Boy Who Lived…To Be Hilarious) absolutely wonderful. They have stuff like..

and…oh and don’t forget…

but then they also get me all emotional with stuff like…

and…

Anyways, these things always make me happy. And during stressful times, HP and the [put any of the eight movies here] makes me feel better.

Its the last full week of my first semester in college, and it has been really spectacular. mostly because of them:

life is fantastic. have a good day!

signing out.

She’s So Lucky.

I do believe I am at an age where I can better appreciate my family. My family has changed so much over the past year, but one thing won’t ever change. I have the best parents ever. Today, my dad (who I call Babs) came and visited me at school for the day. Holy cow, this man is incredible. We hugged for about five minutes when I first saw him in the morning, and I felt like a six year old, dancing around with my Babs. He confides in me like I’m his best friend and we can just talk for hours. I’m so lucky.

And I must also say…my parents were very much the cutest things ever. Watching the way my dad cared for my mom and loved her, wow. Sometimes I’m just speechless. He’s great. That’s them below.

So, one of this weekend’s assignments was to write an essay (which I didn’t finish until about twenty minutes ago) on the coming of God’s kingdom. And the things I’ve learned this semester just blow the lid off of everything I have have previously thought about Christianity. Just…leaves me wonderstruck. But one of the points in the essay was to talk about why being a Christian is so much more than just going to heaven someday. And sometimes…I just get moved to tears at how beautiful this world is. And I just find myself wanting to charge and run and drag my life kicking and screaming into the hands of God. When I went home for Thanksgiving…I just remember going to Carmel and watching the sunset (thats the same one on the side). And I felt the sand under my feet and the wind on my back, and I stood there on that beach I have stood on a million times, only this time I felt different. I felt joy and loved and happy and I felt…stable. Something I haven’t felt for a while. For so long I have been experiencing things, but just half way, because I let the fear of truly feeling things keep me from my life. But for the first time I stood there and realized there is so much more to this life than I will ever know, but to discover it all, we have to charge, headfirst into the pain and suffering, onto something greater. I just realized that for all of history, every single person has had their turn at life, and this is mine. And I realized…I can do anything. I want to let light shine to the world. I want to never be afraid to smile, to laugh, to remember those we lost along the way and hold dear the ones we have gained. I just want to hold a stranger’s hand and tell them its all going to be okay, because sometimes we all just need to be reminded. Anais Nin said, “It takes courage to push yourself to places you’ve never been before, to test your limits, to break through barriers. And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” I would simply, like to live courageously.

signing out.

It’s My First Time.

Blogging. It’s something I have never really been interested in. But ah, here I am, writing my first blog. I guess this is a good time, seeing as it’s my first year in college and so many things are changing. I am changing. I am a new person, which I never thought could happen. I just spent the evening staring up at the stars and passionately talking about, what my friend Janine said, “our Dad” (this is a new kind of high God has let me experience). I have let go of things, and I have my eyes set on the horizon. I’m not really sure where I’m going, but just like my good friend Jesus had his destiny set before him before the beginning of time, my life is written out, perfectly, in God’s hands. And I guess this is what this is. Just me, writing about where I’ve been, where I’m going, and how where I’ve been affects where I would like to go. So here’s to the future, something I find awesome and exciting. Thanks for coming with me.

I was just thinking about what to call this thing. And I thought of the only blog I diligently read. My brother wrote a blog called, “Lorraine’s Journey”. A blog about my mother’s rough and beautiful journey through pancreatic cancer. My journey, the journey of the rest of my life, is going without my mom, I’m on a different journey now: Lexi’s Journey. I couldn’t help but smile at my clever name, because everything I am is because of her. Robert Frost said, “Sometimes we need to forget people from our past because of one simple reason. They just don’t belong in our future.” Everything I have learned about life can be summed up in three words: it goes on.

Here’s to Lexi’s Journey.

Signing out.